Hard message

It is Sunday afternoon. I've been "chewing" all afternoon on the message my pastor preached this morning. It was like an arrow through my soul. His message was about living in the NOW. He talked about how people who live in the future seldom do anything in the now to change the outcome of the future. They just hope that the future will turn out alright when they arrive there. That usually doesn't happen. How did this affect me? Our financial status is less than desirable. But do we have a plan in the NOW to fix it so that when we reach retirement, there is something THERE?? Nope.

Then he spoke about people who live in the past. There are nostalgic people who live there because they liked how it was back then. They can't even enjoy the present. There are also those who hold on to a hurt from the past and refuse to let go of it and move on in God. He gave the example of a woman who never forgot how her dad gave the best lollipop to her younger sister and not to her on her fifth birthday. She's now 83. How sad.

The really sad part is that I saw myself in that example. I have held onto a hurt from years ago. I said I forgave the person, and in fact, I willfully chose to say "I forgive him." But it wasn't enough. The root of bitterness that pastor spoke of this morning is buried deep within my heart, alive and well, and keeping me from moving on in my relationship with God. It doesn't show itself readily. But it will occasionally spring up and rear its ugly head, causing all kinds of emotional havoc in my life. For years, I have known this root was there. In fact, I acknowleged its existence way back before I was married, when I read a wonderful little book called "Hind's Feet in High Places". In that allegorical story, the girl named Much Afraid makes this journey that leads her to a stone table where she willingly lays down and asks the Shepherd to rip out the bitterness by the root. It was painful. But it was worth it. I have actually prayed many many times to have God do the same for me. I have laid down my will and my pride and asked Him to rip it out by the roots. But it continues to spring up and frustrate me. I am at a loss as to how to get rid of it, because it is so deeply rooted. The person that I held my forgiveness from for so long lives far away from me. I am unsure if a phone call will suffice... or if I will need to make a very long trip to handle it face to face. I have tried... but have always been a coward when face to face with this person. I am really chewing on this. Pray for me. Time to head to church.